Tom Petty said it best when he wrote “the waiting is the hardest part”. I went into 2020 with high hopes for a fresh start in my life. I transitioned out of student ministry in 2018 with the plan of becoming a lead pastor or an associate pastor with a focus on small group ministry and/or discipleship. I had a job offer in late 2018 but turned it down so my daughter could finish high school where we have lived for 15 years. Then my life was turned upside down when I had a STEMI heart attack, two years ago today, on February 1, 2019. I spent the rest of 2019 rehabbing and dealing with some other issues that came out of that event.
Going into 2020, I had my plan constructed. In the spring, I would get licensed once again in the denomination where I am ordained as a pastor. I would then look for a position in the summer after my daughter graduated. There is an old Yiddish proverb that says “Man Plans, God laughs”. Some believe it is taken from Proverbs 19:21 which reads, “You can make many plans, but the Lord’s purpose will prevail.”
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| The new normal. Mask life. |
I know I’m not alone when I say that the last year has not gone as planned. COVID completely altered most of our lives. My heart disease makes me high risk and my cardiologists have told me that I would not fare well with COVID. They want me to basically quarantine and don’t even want me to attend church in person until this entire ordeal is over. We have been extremely careful and I have done next to nothing during the last 11 months. I was in the maintenance program in my cardiac rehab and that was shut down last March. I miss it dearly. We have a membership at the YMCA but I am not chancing getting COVID there. I have seen how poorly people clean the equipment when working out there. Our family has done church online for the better part of a year. We attended church in person for several weeks in August. We deliberately attended the 8am service so the sanctuary would be completely sanitized and it is the service with the fewest people. We sat in the back by ourselves. After about three weeks, the virus spiked again so we went back to church online. I didn’t dream that we would still be dealing with all of this after 11 months. But COVID isn’t the only reason I have had to wait.
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| I miss church. I have to either watch on my Ipad or we watch on our TV. |
It was early August 2020 and I was making progress in preparing my body for the grind of full-time ministry. I started intermittent fasting at the end of June, had lost 12 lbs, and was working out 6 days a week. With cardiac rehab and the YMCA not being an option, I started my own simple workout plan. I did at least 30 minutes of cardio 6 days a week and lifted weights every other day. It was simple but it was working. However, I noticed when I exercised that I would get a severe headache that would last the rest of the day. I saw my cardiologist for a follow up appointment and my blood pressure was sky high. The doctor put me on a blood pressure medication. It didn’t help at all. They doubled the dose and it still didn’t bring it down. A few weeks later, they added a second medication. It also didn’t help. They doubled the dose of that medication and that combination started to control it. I didn’t get it. I was eating better and eating less. I was losing weight again and working out constantly. My blood pressure had been near perfect. It was extremely frustrating.
In the middle of the blood pressure ordeal, I started feeling very fatigued. I was also light-headed and short of breath when I exerted myself. In addition to all of that, I started having chest pain and pain in my left arm. I felt exactly like I did before my heart attack. I ended up having another heart catheterization. The doctors didn’t want to mess around with a stress test with my history. I had the procedure 4 months ago and everything looked great. My heart looked great, the stent that was inserted two years ago today looked great, and the blockages in my arteries had actually decreased. I had mixed emotions. I was very thankful that the situation with my heart looked good and that my hard work had paid off. But I still had no answers. Why do I feel like I do?
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| Waiting to go in to get my heart cath |
In October 2019, while spending over a week in the hospital, I found out that my heart was going out of rhythm when exercising. The doctors thought that the scarring on my heart from the heart attack was likely causing it. My new electrophysiologist put me on a very strong medication that made me feel lousy. A few months ago, we decided that he would wean me off of it and we would try another medication. I still do not feel great and have no firm answers. Ask anyone who really knows me and they will tell you that patience has never been my strong suit. However, I have found that it is during these trying times that we have the opportunity to grow the most.
I don’t understand why this is all happening. All I want to do is go back to work, provide for my family, and serve the Lord with the gifts He has blessed me with. To say I miss preaching and teaching would be the understatement of the century. I miss the adrenaline that pumped through my body when I was getting to ready to speak and I really miss sensing God speaking through me. I miss sitting across from someone over breakfast or lunch and ministering to them. God has called me to be a pastor and I believe that with all of my heart. I have a huge void in my life without it. It is my calling and I cannot picture myself doing anything else. But I am also realizing that it may look different than I have envisioned. The waiting truly is the hardest part. But during this down time I am allowing God to make changes in my life and I will continue to trust in His timing.
Are you in a season of waiting like I am? I leave you with a couple of verses from the Bible.
“Be still in the presence of the Lord, and wait patiently for him to act.” Psalms 37:7
“Wait patiently for the Lord. Be brave and courageous. Yes, wait patiently for the Lord.”
Psalms 27:14
David wrote these psalms while going through very difficult times. He was being hunted down by King Saul and his men. People close to David were betraying him. Others were urging David to just kill Saul so he could step into his place and become king. Scripture tells us that David had opportunities to take Saul's life so he could take the throne. But David chose to wait on God’s timing and to completely trust in Him. I choose to do the same. God eventually did make David the king of Israel and I trust that He will place me where He wants me. It doesn’t necessarily make trusting easy but I have to remind myself that God is still on the throne. He is in complete control and I will trust in His timing over mine. I have encountered a few situations in my life where I was very disappointed about not getting a particular position and now that I look back, I see that God was protecting me from a difficult situation or drama that I did not need in my life. My future is in a much better place when it is in God's hands and not in mine.
