Ten years ago today was just an ordinary April day. I went out to Best Buy to buy the Foo Fighters new album “Wasting Light”. Today, I would just download it on my apple music app. Ten years ago, I still bought the physical CDs of my favorite bands. I resisted the temptation to open the CD and to start listening to it in the car. I wanted to listen to it from beginning to end in one sitting. I got home and just laid on my bed while listening to it. The final song called “Walk” came on and it was one of those rare songs that I absolutely loved from the first note. I was about a minute into the song when my cell phone rang. It was my mom. I paused the CD player and answered the phone. She said, “Jamison, I have some bad news. Your dad saw Dave's obituary in the Tribune today.” I was absolutely floored. I hadn't seen Dave in around 15 years. My mind immediately began to speculate on what could have happened. Did he die in combat? The last time I saw him, Dave was still in the Marine Corps. I began to have my doubts as he was 37 years old. Plus, I am sure I would have seen it on the news. Did he get into a car accident? I had no clue so I took to social media but I couldn't find any of his family on there. I was reminded on my Facebook memories today that I asked my Facebook friends ten years ago if they knew anything. Nobody knew a thing. Now every time I hear the song "Walk", I think of my buddy Dave.
Have you ever met someone and you immediately clicked with them? It seemed as if you had known them forever? That was Dave and me. We did not meet until our senior year of high school. A mutual friend of ours brought Dave to me and introduced us to each other. We quickly began to hang out all of the time, eat lunch together at school, and we just became very close fast. I invited him to my church for our student ministries, and he quickly assimilated into the group. He would stay at my house a lot. Dave was known for his big laugh and for his ripped physique. He seemed so happy go lucky and I think we clicked because people saw me as being the same way back then. But I began to see that he had some darkness in his past. He would stay the night several nights in a row and my mom would ask “Dave, shouldn't you check in at home?” He would softly comment that “they don't care that I am away from home.” He didn't get into his home life much. I once saw rather large scars on his back and I asked what happened to cause them. He said something about a hardwood floor and splinters going into his back. He wouldn't go any deeper into the subject but I assumed someone dragged him across that floor to cause that kind of damage.
Months passed and we were at our year end banquet for our church youth group. It was early May and we still had over three months to go until he went to boot camp and I went off to college. We were at a banquet hall and it was an emotional night. At that point in my life, I was “too tough to show emotion” and Dave usually had that mindset too. But he was the most emotional out of everybody. He was sitting at the table sobbing and it hit me. I found my place in this youth group a year earlier and now Dave had found his place as well. I sensed he was scared to leave this safe space as I was. But I was heading off to the cushy college life. He was heading off to the military and we had just wrapped up a war in Iraq during the first Gulf War in 1991. Dave finally found some stability in his life and it was ending in a few short months.
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| Dave gave me these mugs when I left for college. They still set on my shelf above my desk. |
We spent the rest of the summer together. He basically lived at our house. He was the last person I saw before I left for college in August. He was over my house, along with a few other friends, and we crashed around 5am. I got up at 6:30am and took him home. He was 18 and still didn't have his drivers license. He wasn't in any hurry because he had no access to a car. I dropped him off and we said goodbye. I told him that I would miss him and I would be praying for him during boot camp. I made sure I gave him my mailing information for college so we could write each other. This was before email and cell phones. I then drove home and my parents and I headed off to Ashland University for my freshman orientation. Dave came to visit me at college a couple of times. We saw each other in 1995 and we met his wife, stepdaughter and son. He got to meet my girlfriend Lisa, who is now my wife. We never saw him again.
In the years leading up to his death, the Lord would put his name on my heart and in my mind. I tried and tried to locate him with no luck. I just sensed that he was in trouble and that he needed me. But I just couldn't find him. I searched and searched for him and his family on social media with no luck. I used databases to try and locate him. I knew his full name and birthdate but still had no luck. I was even tempted to hire someone to try and locate him. Then the phone call came from my mom.
The obituary said that there was a get together to remember Dave at his older sister's house. I met her a few times in high school but didn't really know her. I went that afternoon along with my wife, sister, and brother in law. We were the only ones there. Dave's sister had old pictures of Dave along with newer photos. I finally asked, “I hope I am not being too forward, but could you tell me how Dave died and what he was up to in his final years?” She looked at me and said, “It isn't a problem at all. Dave took his own life. He left his family years ago, moved to Florida and on March 27th, shot himself. His friend found him after a few days. I don't understand why he did it and I was surprised he left his dogs uncared for. He loved those dogs.”
She confirmed the feeling I had deep in my gut.... that Dave killed himself. My mind began to race and I was thinking about his last night. I was consumed with how must pain he must have been in and how desperate he must have been to make that choice. My heart was broken. We stayed at my parents house that night and in the middle of the night, while my wife slept next to me, I sobbed. I wish I had just located him! I would have dropped everything and flown down to be with him. I felt so guilty and it sent me into my own tailspin. I too was struggling with depression at that time. There was even a point where I thought my wife and kids would be better off without me. I even had a plan together in my mind on how to end my own life. It would have been a lot less dramatic, but it would have ended with the same result.
I keep reading about how so many people are struggling with mental illness with this pandemic. I have read articles about how elementary school kids are taking their own lives and it blows my mind. We, as a society, have really struggled with community in the last several decades. We used to know our neighbors. We used to have people over from our churches. Well, most of us used to actually go to church. The majority of our country has now stopped going. We are lost in our own world that basically revolves around our cell phones, tablets, social media, and TV streaming platforms. I am guilty of it as well. We are focused on consuming content while the people around us continue their downward spiral.
At one point, I lived in severe pain all day, every day. I lived on narcotic painkillers, nerve pain medication and muscle relaxers. Once we moved to Pittsburgh, we struggled to find a church where anybody gave a rip about us. I was drowning in chronic pain and depression and Lisa was drowning as the breadwinner and as a caregiver and nobody seemed to care. I am guessing Dave felt the same way. We have to peel our eyes off of our devices and start looking around for people we can help.
I couldn't decide whether to make this blog post about mental health or the importance of community. I guess I am hitting both of them. If you are struggling with mental illness, get help. It doesn't have the stigma attached to it as it once did. Find a professional to talk with. Also, share your pain with someone else. I wish Dave would have shared his pain with me. But he had too much pride. I doubt I could have done much to help him when I was 17 but I would have made sure I found someone who could. He suffered in silence. I would have done anything for him. If you are struggling with mental illness, please do not consider suicide. It may end your pain but it creates an extraordinary amount of pain for those you leave behind. They will second guess themselves the rest of their lives. It will do unspeakable damage to those who love you.
I encourage you to keep an eye out for people who are struggling. There are many Daves out there. Sometimes they just need to know that someone cares. I know I needed that for years. We would go to church, sit through the service, and then walk out without anybody talking to us for years. Nobody cared that we were there. I am thankful that the Lord ended up leading us to a small church in 2013 where people just loved us. Healing took place there. It was just what we needed and I only wish we would have found it sooner.
I would have loved to have included pictures of Dave and me but I wanted to honor his privacy. It is also why I did not include his last name. I wish I could have helped you Dave. I will always love you brother.
